Aching

Do you ever feel like you want to just simply feel? Even if it hurts? You just want to know you're alive and breathing.

Lately I've been finding that in those moments something deeper is about to take place. Usually it'll take me a few days to come to this place of finally giving in to the fact that I need something more than yesterday. More and more I'm craving to know Jesus as a person. For real - what if we were such good friends we could know what each other was thinking with out speaking. I know it must sound kinda crazy, but I KNOW there's more to knowing Jesus than just Sunday church meetings, or even Bible studies, or whatever the concept of "Christianity" is. We've GOT to know a living breathing person EVERY day... I HAVE to.

I'm at a place that just has to know him more, not in a sense of gaining anything, but a knowledge of how real he is and much he is intensely involved in life. My life. I don't believe it's wrong to want to FEEL him and KNOW that he's real. I've started to just ask him to come and talk with me. Sometimes about needs, but mostly how I would talk to a really close friend, who cared deeply about my heart and what was on my mind. I'm finding that when I hear from him, he loves me, and then I can't help, but ask what's on his heart back. No duty or obligation, but genuine interest.

LOVE moves, it can't stay stagnant. If it was still, it would not be love.

Contemplations . . .

It's amazing to me how the Lord cares about us so intimately. For real, His love for us runs so deep it bypasses any self-fish ambition. God does not have selfish ambition, thus everything He has for us is so good. However, on top of being amazing, He does not force His amazing-ness upon us, but rather gave us the dignity of CHOOSING Him. Honestly, I'm still trying to understand, I don't know if I will ever, but each moment I get a glimpse of who God is I weep and fall apart (in a good way). All of the things I tried to keep together melt in His loving hands and He takes care of it. No worries for me.

How is it that we are all such a tiny speck in the universe, but yet so dynamic one person could change history?!?! Why is the world would God be so intimate with us? What draws Him to us? I've never heard of anything ever done for angels or any other "being." What moved Him so much that He decided to live in human skin and share life with us? Do you ever think about some of the crazy concepts that we hear about in the Bible?!?!? Seriously!

Ok - so this post is kinda scattered, but it's how I think most of the time.

Love!

Heart of Humility

Tonight a good friend of mine was asking about humility - what the heck does that look like? How do you know it's real and not "made up"? It got me thinking and chatting with Jesus. What I discovered was that I believe humility is not just an external action, but an internal reaction. A trust between you and someone; a difference to someone or something greater than yourself.

The Bible talks about thinking of yourself in soberness, which to me you cannot do this on your own. I know that I am just learning who I am and how I'm made. The only way truly to "think of myself in soberness" is to hear from the one who made me. Yup, the big G. Haha. He talks to me, I talk to Him. We're growing in this relationship, but each day it is getting better. The more I really hear Him the more I'm finding I hardly know Him. He's wonderful and nothing like the Vintage 21 Jesus, haha!!

In order to have true humility I'm thinking you cannot have an agenda because you lay aside your will for someone else's. You let go. I think you can be super humble and still be confident, strong, and wealthy. It's not about the outside, but the HEART. Humility I believe is a posture of the heart. Now I'm still learning myself, these are just my thoughts on the matter.

I know that me by myself can NEVER be humble. By nature I am a jerk, haha, BUT the real me, the one that Jesus died for is able to live life through with Jesus' help because he made it so the crap of sin stuff no longer effects me. Only because of Him.

THE REAL US is NOT the sinful, shameful, angry, depressed, (fill in the blank) person we feel like we are. The REAL US is who God says we are and made us to be. Jesus REDEEMED what was lost, thus we originally were made in beauty, grace, love, peace, gentleness, humility, etc. We can have the nature of Christ to bring us back to the original us.

Humility is trusting (letting Him control/take over) and believing (agreeing with and taking steps with) God, more than ourselves.

I'm wrecked because I want to understand this better. . .

Quicky

If you run from fear it will always chase you, but if you face fear you will be it's master.

We Need Each Other

So I use to think that I needed to get everything figured out on my own. I thought I had to do pretty much anything myself and that relying on others was either selfish or weak. Being quite vulnerable here, haha. I also thought for some silly reason that if I liked people too much that they would take the place of God in my heart; however, I found that the opposite was true.

God created FAMILY for a reason. He wanted all of us to be covered, protected, challenged, apart of something bigger than ourselves, LOVED. One of the main ways that we can received GOD's love is through relationships with people. "No man is an island," as the saying goes. We were created for touch, communication, working together on things with people, etc. Isolation is the number one way I personally can get hit with negative religious ideas of God and people. If I'm only hearing my view all the time it will be very narrow and probably limited. Everyone sees so differently and gives such different pieces to the puzzle of life. We need each other.

If you've ever just been afraid to trust again, even in deep places, do it! It's worth it. There is such a JOY and LOVE in relationships I'm "torn outta the frame" about it (friend quote ;)

One good thing to keep in mind is simply loving Jesus first (which means you would need to receive it first to give it back to him, we are incapable of unconditional love by ourselves). His love (which is limitless and has no condition) will seep out of the pores of who you are and radically change the people around you and yourself as well. If we get obsessive over a person where they become our "source" of confidence instead of God co-dependancy kicks in and no body is happy (I promise).

We were made to be interdependent with each other, each having something to contribute through what we receive from God.

Again I say to you, it you've ever had trouble trusting people, it's worth it. If you don't know how, ask the Lord and he will help you. It may be uncomfortable at first, but it's sooooo good!

Love to you all! :)

Nakedness Brings Opportunity

So - yes, we shall cut right to the chase. My nakedness (my open, real, vulnerability) brings an opportunity for Jesus. He doesn't mind it at all, He is actually drawn to it!!! When He sees my nakedness, He want to cover it. He can give me something that will cloth me, keep me protected, and benefit me. If I try to cover myself with different things I am only prohibiting being covered by God.

On my recent vacation I found that no matter where I was at or what I was doing within myself I could connect with God ALL the time when I was being deeply vulnerable with him. In the places of my heart where I thought I would get him mad or he thinking he would think my comments to be petty or not "holy" enough I found him there so strongly in my weakness. I would just simply tell him how I felt, like I would a trusted friend, and BOOM he would be right there.

Soon I found myself falling in love with the person I was whispering my heart to. Each time he would receive my brokenness with kindness, patience, and just simply listening to me; my heart would melt a little more. It was such an incredible draw I could not deny it nor did I want to. I was feeling and experiencing Love himself. He is amazing and nothing like my mind tells me he is.

If you feel inspired at all by this I would say, talk to Jesus and simply be with Him and say whatever it is on your mind. Let him see a glimpse of what you really think, believe, and even are not sure about. For some reason I thought I had to be settled with things before I talked to him. He's actually great at helping to figure things out!

Jesus is a real person and I'm excited to experience him on a depth that changes the rest of my life. I smell a journey coming on!

People

I'm finding that it's not the things I do or the places I go that make things or places special, but the people I encounter these with. That spot by the lake, or coffee shop near by, an Irish Pub, even Subway can be amazing with the right people around. More and more I'm finding that I just love people, which is crazy to me because I often find a lot of my time going to projects or work, which is not bad, but I don't always feel the depths.

I guess it goes back to relationship, God wants that too. Hmmm, I hear a lot about it, but I really truly want to posses it and be possessed by it. . . I guess it is love. Wow. . .

Jesus

I'm realizing more and more that the person, Jesus, the man, is a lot more different than I originally had thought of. When I engage in his presence and just hang out with him on my couch for a moment he is so kind. His thoughts and words to me are almost the complete opposite of how I thought he talks and is. When I am sitting in turmoil over difficult situations I hear him encouraging me, speaking kindly to me, giving me heart felt understanding, and melting my heart.

The concept of Jesus going after me and pursuing me to just hang out blows my mind. I have always thought growing up that I had to go after my relationship with Jesus and constantly go through times of trying to find him. Because so much pressure was attached to this concept I often failed to figure out in my own mind what God was saying or what the being said in the Bible. Rather than being inspired after reading or praying I was more discouraged than before. Little did I know that this was NOT the way that the Lord wanted to BE with me.

I'm finding that Jesus invades my day and shows up in places where I least expect him. He is not stuck in my room on the couch where i read my Bible, but is a constant presence in my life, a friend. He actually LOVES to LOVE on me and encourage me. He does not like it when I am down, angry, upset, or afraid. His voice is always positive and full of LIFE, even JOY. Everything good and perfect comes from him and I'm finding these things don't just come to good people, but the broken, poor, bruised, sick, and desperate.

Jesus went to the people and places that were not "safe" or polished. He went to places where people were rawly and even openly in sin and LOVED them. A man I highly look up to said to me recently that Jesus is drawn to dark places, where light is darkness cannot be, so when Jesus stepped into a room all darkness had to go and leave the people he was around. He was not afraid, appalled, or angry at people who were in sin; he ate with them, loved them, and set them free.

I want to know Jesus more, who so LOVED the world.

That's all for now. :)